“My brain doesn’t work.”
“What?”
My husband, Rick, repeated, “My brain doesn’t work.” And so we began the final eight months of his earthly life. Within two weeks, he couldn’t drive, work out at the gym, or play bridge. He was almost helpless and filled with fear.
For several years, we had been on the Alzheimer’s journey. Rick was forgetful and occasionally unable to do a simple task. It was challenging but manageable. The process was like watching a cliff toss off rocks in bits and pieces. But on December 1, 2023, there was a seismic shift similar to a landslide. Rick’s brain was changed forever. We were in shock over the sudden and dramatic decline. I felt helpless. “Lord, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. Show me the way!” Not audible but clear, “I am the Way, Dyann. Keep your eyes on me. I will guide you, I will show you the way.”
Further in the process, I felt overwhelmed again, hearing “No” or “I can’t” as I tried to help Rick. Exasperated, I cried, “Lord, I can’t hear ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ one more time.” Again, not audible but clear, “Dyann, you’re not listening. Pay attention to the other things he is saying. Change the filter of your ears.” When I did, I realized Rick was saying many other things: “Sweetie, I love you, thank you, I just want to take care of you, you look beautiful today.” I began writing these tender words in my journal, words I would have missed if I hadn’t changed my focus.
My dear Rick entered eternity in July of this year. Grief and loss filled the last eight months, but in the midst were deep love and gratitude. I experienced his devotion to me as he tried to express himself. My love for him deepened as I served him; this was an unexpected and wonderful gift. I gained a more profound appreciation for God’s provision as I journaled my pain, fear, exhaustion, and requests. Revisiting my journals, I reflected on all God provided: perfect caregivers, cards of encouragement, friends who dropped by with meals, or to visit and pray.
Most importantly, I praised God for the peace Rick experienced as he left his earthly body.
Watching your loved one die is lonely and heartbreaking. But in the quiet of loneliness, there is a unique opportunity to draw near and cling to God. God’s presence was with me and Rick throughout the journey as I poured out our needs and pain in lament.
During the last months, my eyes could not focus on the words in my Bible. Thankfully, I was able to listen to scripture on my phone. As exhaustion took over, I struggled to pray but was able to trust the Holy Spirit to intercede for me with groaning too deep for words (Romans 8:26).
Beloved friends, whatever your struggle, pour out your heart to your heavenly Father. He loves you and promised to never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:8). Let Him do fresh work in the weeds of your pain. He is with you and a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). There is no reason to withhold your longings. At the same time, ask the Lord to open your eyes and ears to His goodness. I encourage you to journal your laments, longings, and thankfulness.
Yes, grief and gratitude can and will co-exist if you allow them to live together. Psalm 66:16-17 says, “Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul. I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue.”
In my loss and grief this season of Thanksgiving, I am filled with gratitude for 31 years with a kind and loving husband.
Blessings,
Personal Parables Practices
- What pain or grief can you bring to God?
- How are you developing the practice of offering a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the Lord in the midst of your struggle?
- What trusted friends will you invite to help you bear your burden?
A Prayer
Heavenly Father, thank you for the privilege of laying all my troubles at the foot of the cross. You are fully aware of my pain and heartache. I praise you for lighting my path, one step at a time. Your word says you store my tears in a bottle. Thank you for the promise you will never leave or forsake me. I will trust you with my future. Amen.
Scripture for Meditation
Romans 8:26 (ESV) – Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
Psalm 116:17 (ESV) – I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord.
Psalm 56:8 (NLT) – You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) – Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Music for Reflection
Special Note
If you have a loved one suffering from Dementia or Alzheimer, I encourage to contact your local Alzheimer’s Association for a support group and for valuable information to navigate this debilitating disease. Click to get started: https://www.alz.org/local_resources/find_your_local_chapter
The Alzheimer’s Association also has a 24/7 helpline: 800.272.3900
Get Dyann’s complimentary 5-day study What to Do When Life Falls Apart. This study on grief offers encouragement and practical steps during difficult times.
