“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” ~Ezekiel 36:26
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When my boys were young, I used to tell them, “Keep your spirit strong but your heart soft.” Little did I know my own heart had become hard.
The revealing began when our church announced a meeting on “fracking.” My brother was driving fracking equipment at the time, and my husband and I decided to attend the meeting. According to my brother, the fracking process involved drilling a deep tunnel into the ground and shooting hot water and chemicals down the hole with tremendous pressure to release the oil and gas from the solid oil shale.
In a monotone voice, the speaker read verbatim from her notes about the consequences of fracking. When some members of the audience questioned her conclusions, she seemed dismissive and defensive. I felt she was rude and I became angry. As negative feelings began to build inside me, I raised my hand. “Do you have a question?” she asked. “No,” I said, “I have a comment. I would appreciate it if you would give the same respect to the audience as we have given you.” Total silence! My husband was stunned. I had publicly reprimanded the guest speaker.
What Caused All This Anger?
When we returned home, I asked my husband, “Why am I so angry?” I was embarrassed by my behavior. I was confused. Why had I gotten so mad? Each day that followed, I felt more ashamed. I had been the rude one. I couldn’t remember ever feeling so much inner turmoil. Making matters worse, I had just finished an in-depth study of the book of Proverbs regarding the effect of our words. My words had gotten away from me. During the next few weeks, I prayed, cried, and prayed more.
Through discussions with the women in my Bible study, I eventually realized the feelings were very familiar and from long ago. They were the way I felt when my mother would cut people off or disregard their point of view. This behavior was a common occurrence in our home and at social gatherings. The only allowed viewpoint was hers. These situations would embarrass me, and I would feel angry when she was disrespectful.
As the Lord began to reveal the real cause of my anger, I realized I had just been “fracked.” The hot pressure of God’s Spirit had broken up old hurts and brought them to the surface. The hard rock of my heart and scars from my childhood were revealed.
I couldn’t help but see the ironic humor in this. I thought I was going to a meeting on oil shale fracking, but the Lord had other “fracking” to do. My heart had become hard and needed the extreme pressure of embarrassment and shame to break up the hardness.
I called the person at church who arranged the meeting and apologized. When I offered to call the speaker, she said it wasn’t necessary, and I gratefully accepted “the pass.” However, as the years went by, I was never at peace. I had my “fracking moment,” and understood where it came from, but I hadn’t completed the process. I needed to ask forgiveness of the speaker.
A Time for Forgiveness
Three years later, I tracked her down. I emailed her and asked if we could meet. I didn’t tell her why, only that I had heard her speak at our church. Driving to our appointment, I prayed, “Lord, how should I approach this? What do I say?” I felt His gentle nudging, “spend time getting to know her, listen.”
Although she didn’t recognize me, I knew it would be okay the moment I introduced myself. I was welcomed with a warm smile as I asked how she had gotten involved in the anti-fracking movement. She shared her love for the community, the environment, and her concerns as a mother. I shared that my interest was due to my brother’s work in the oil fields. Finally, I said, “The reason I wanted to meet with you is that I was very rude to you that night, and I want to ask for your forgiveness.” Her eyes filled with tears. It was the first time she had given a presentation. She felt she had failed and cried all the way home.
I told her I was sorry for the pain I had caused. It had nothing to do with her, but issues from my past had surfaced for some reason. I had been rude and unkind. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The real issues were revealed during the weeks that followed during a Bible study. At some point, I realized, “I’ve been fracked by God.” Scars from my past had been broken up and brought to the surface. The experience had become a powerful lesson of how hard our hearts can become without our awareness. She laughed at this analogy.
We spent the remainder of our time sharing our hearts as mothers and our desire to impart respect and kindness to our children. We agreed these are essential character qualities to pass on. I was awestruck at the turn of events. Now we were just two mothers who loved our community and our families. When we got up to say goodbye, I wanted to hug her, but I wasn’t sure how it would be received. She immediately said, “Oh, we have to hug.” It was a wonderful time of healing for both of us.
My spiritual fracking was timelier than I realized. I needed to receive the answer to a prayer I had forgotten. Months before the meeting at our church, I had written in my prayer journal the request for genuine compassion for my mother. She was in a nursing home but was still very challenging and demanding. I prayed before she died, that I would have real empathy for her as a human being.
Letting Go & Prayers Answered
I needed to let go of the child within me whose mother was mentally ill to become a person with compassion for a mentally ill woman who happened to be my mother. More importantly, someone who was God’s child. During the three years following my spiritual fracking, my heart had softened. The duty of seeing her had turned to compassion. On the day she died, she had the countenance of an angel. I didn’t know it was her last day. I remarked to my husband as we left the nursing home that I had never seen such a peaceful look on her face. It was sweet and had a soft glow. This last memory of her was God’s gift to me. My prayer for a softened heart had been answered, and I was at peace.
Blessings,
Personal Parables Prayers & Practices
Ask yourself…
- Is there a hard place in my heart that needs to be broken up and “fracked?”
- Is there someone who I have hurt whom I need to ask forgiveness?
- Am I missing a gift from God because I am unwilling to give up a hurt?
Personal Parables is the blog of Dyann Shepard. Get Dyann’s complementary study in Proverbs and prayer guide, What to Do When You Don’t Feel Good Enough. If you need encouragement to remember the truth about yourself in times of doubt and anxiety, this free 5-day study is for you. Follow Dyann and Personal Parables on Instagram and Facebook. Dyann is available for speaking, guest blogging, and article writing.
Scripture for Meditation
These verses can help you meditate on the Word, inspired by the themes in my new post, Life Lessons from Spiritual Fracking.
1 John 1:9 NIV – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Colossians 3:8 ESV – But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
Proverbs 10:19 ESV – When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
Jeremiah 1:9 ESV – Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me, “Behold, I have put my words in your mouth.
Psalm 19:14 ESV – Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Music for Reflection
This song says it all– take a listen after reading my post, Life Lessons from Spiritual Fracking.
