Living Unsinkable in the Unthinkable

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

The walls were old hospital beige. The quiet was palpable. I sat alone, waiting. How did I get here? Had this really happened? I was forty-one. My mind and body were numb. “Dyann, the doctor will see you now. Follow me.” Nodding and frightened, I followed the nurse.

It seemed forever before the doctor knocked on the door and entered. “Do you know why you are here?” he asked. “Yes, I think so.” He proceeded, “Your husband has AIDS. You need to be tested as well. If you test positive, most likely your life expectancy will be three to ten years. It depends on how long you have had the virus and where your husband contracted it. Do you understand?” “Yes.” It would be several weeks before the test results were verified. Even if they were negative, I would need to be tested again in six months for confirmation. It was 1987, and AIDS was exploding across the world. In those years, it was a death sentence. No one knew how to treat it or how easily it could be transmitted.

I Have Never Felt So Alone

I have never felt so alone in my life. We had recently moved to a new community. We didn’t have a church home, and I knew no one. On our 10th anniversary, my husband told me he had tested positive for AIDS. I was numb; there were no words, no anything. I just mumbled, “I’m sorry.” What was there to say? I had suspected for years that he had been unfaithful. It still astounds me that I knew in the pit of my soul, but I couldn’t face it. I couldn’t say it out loud. We were Christians. He had led most of our friends to the Lord and mentored many young men. I was able to squelch the feelings, the suspicions, and the fear until a new fear, a terrifying fear, began to surface—AIDS. The daily news was beginning to report cases of women contracting the virus from their husbands. I couldn’t ignore the obvious any longer. I had two young sons, and the thought of them being orphaned was the tipping point. Silence and denial were no longer options.

Journey of the Unthinkable

There are no shortcuts in the journey of the unthinkable. The tunnel is dark and seems unending. It is a time of confusion and tears. It often includes letting go of a life-long plan, dream, or the death of a loved one—all difficult and painful losses. There is a letting go of what you thought your life would be. It is also a time of choice. Will I follow Jesus no matter what? Will I trust Him through this time of “the unknown?”

The long exhausting journey for emotional and spiritual survival began once I received the call from the doctor that I had tested negative for the second time. Now what? Many questions were filling my mind. There was the classic query we all ask when our life falls apart with a phone call, diagnosis, betrayal, or pandemic.

Why? Then there are the other questions. Is God good? Is He faithful? Does He love me? Can I and will I trust Him through the unthinkable? How will I get through this? These are hard questions and go to the core of our faith. The good news is that our Heavenly Father is not offended by any of these questions. We see this in the Psalms as David vacillates between “why me” and “where are you God” to ultimately praising the only One who can save him and loves him with an everlasting love.

One of my pivotal points was realizing that ‘Why” was not as important as “How?” How then would I live? Would I hold on to Jesus and follow Him no matter what the outcome? Quietly, sitting in my favorite chair, I said, “Yes, Lord, no matter what. I am yours, and you are mine.” Once settled, I concentrated on asking for wisdom, guidance, peace, forgiveness, and direction. The journey took close to ten years, and as often happens, there were repercussions and deep wounds. Slowly, the darkness in my life began to diminish and I could feel the light grow stronger. God is faithful, and as promised, He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is our God who sees, hears, and saves. Oh, what a God we have!

One of my early choices beyond holding on to Jesus no matter what was to do three things each day; pray, read my Bible and take a walk in the fresh air. These were all things I could control. Eventually, I learned to offer a “sacrifice of praise” and to pray for protection for my sons and for my husband to experience God’s blessing even after our marriage ended. These practices kept my focus on the Lord and not on my problems and disappointments.

I failed many times, but God was always there when I turned my eyes back to Him. Once you make the decision to hold on to Jesus, He will enable you to walk the path He lights before you one step at a time. No matter what fiery darts come towards you, you will be able to stand firm, survive, and praise God. You will be better, not bitter; a victor, not a victim. Unsinkable!

The Higher Purpose

The remarkable thing about our Father is He always provides a higher purpose for our pain. He does not cause the pain but He does not want us to waste it. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, the apostle Paul declares “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” It is our choice to embrace adversity and pain; to allow God to use it as a tool to deepen our walk with Him and comfort others through their unique unthinkable journey. God’s purpose is for the struggle to refine us, not define us.

Beloved in Christ, no matter what you may be experiencing, cling to the Lord, take His hand, and do not let go. He will guide you, and He will bring you through the unthinkable. You may have scars but they will be blessed reminders of God’s faithfulness and love.

Blessings,

Adversity is a great teacher to those who choose to be its student.

Personal Parable Practices

Allow yourself time to grieve.
Commit to Soul Care with prayer and reading Scripture.
Commit to emotional and spiritual care with a trusted friend, counselor, or Pastor.
Find time daily to be outside in the fresh air even if only for five minutes.
Pray with one or two trusted friends regularly.
Offer the Lord a sacrifice of praise.
Don’t let go of Jesus.

Personal Parables is the blog of Dyann Shepard. Get Dyann’s complementary study in Proverbs and prayer guide, What to Do When You Don’t Feel Good Enough. If you need encouragement to remember the truth about yourself in times of doubt and anxiety, this free 5-day study is for you. Follow Dyann and Personal Parables on Instagram and Facebook. Dyann is available for speaking, guest blogging, and article writing.

Scripture for Meditation

You are invited to use these verses to meditate on how God can help us be unsinkable, even when the unthinkable happens.

Psalm 91:12 – I will say to the LORD, “You are my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Genesis 16:13 – So Hagar gave this name to the LORD who had spoken to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “Here I have seen the One who sees me!”

Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 8:35-39 – Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Corinthians 4:6 – For God, who said, “Light shall shine out of darkness,” is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

2 Corinthians 4:16,17 – Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary affliction is producing for us an eternal glory that is far beyond comparison.